To Feel Again
by Camraye
Summary: Anna always knew she was adopted, but that never really seemed to matter, until the day she lost her family all over again. Elsa had long since forgotten how to cry, forgotten what most emotions felt like really. Can the two find a way to fix each other?
1. Chapter 1

Anna always knew she was adopted. She knew that when she was very young something terrible happened to her mommy and daddy, though she was never told exactly what that terrible thing was. But she would often crawl into the lap of her new momma and ask her to tell the story of how they met. How her new momma laid eyes on Anna for the first time and fell in love with the tiny red head. Apparently there had been some fuss about taking the child into the palace, but her momma wouldn't hear any form of reason. She told Anna and that and she and her father fought for weeks, but she was determined to adopt her. Anna would always snuggled in close and ask what happened next, and her momma would always tell her that the little red headed girl charmed the king until he was wrapped around her finger and wanted nothing more than to spoil her rotten. The story would usually end with papa sneaking up on the two and whisking the little girl away, yelling about how rottenly spoiled she was and tickling her until she shrieked.

Yes, Anna always knew she was adopted, but that never seemed to matter, until the day that it did. Until the day she was faced with that closed door.

The best part about having a new family was having a sister, but Anna didn't get just any sister, she got to be sisters with the kindest most beautiful girl she'd ever met. Her momma was worried she would be shy around the princess, but Anna fell in love with her at first sight. The two hit it off wonderfully, with Anna always racing ahead and tearing down the halls, leaving Elsa in the dust. While Elsa took to Anna like a proper older sister, always protecting her and keeping her out of trouble as often as she could. This generally meant getting herself into unnecessary trouble, but she loved Anna more than anything and always took the fall for their mischiefs.

At least, that's how Anna remembered it.

Her life was paradise until she was met with that first closed door. Then she was met with the same door everyday for the next ten years. For the most part it didn't affect her sunny disposition. She was still the life of the castle; the staff and servants all adored the feisty little princess. Her father would chastise the staff at times, mostly Gerda and Tai, for spoiling her so much that there wasn't anything left for him to do. But banter like that also ended when the door shut. Papa was quieter and less rambunctious in his affections for his youngest when the door shut. He tried so hard show Anna that everything was ok, but she knew that the stress and worry lines came from the closed door. Her mother and father's worry wrinkles only made the girl that much more cheerful, she felt she had to carry the weight of their smiles, or no one would.

But even her fierce personality and determination to bring light to the ever darker castle couldn't keep away the darkness she faced at the closed door. Her cries of laughter would quiet and her running feet (yes, she informed her mother, she did have to run everywhere she went) would slow when she passed the door in the hall. Once a day, she would go to the door. Sometimes it was early in the morning, when the sky finally woke up. Sometimes it was late at night, when her own anxieties got to be too much for her. She would go to the door and knock quietly, "Elsa? Do you want to build a snowman?"

She was very young when this ritual started, the ritual of the closed door and the pleading request. But she was old enough to know she was adopted. And she was old enough to worry that this fact was why her sister didn't love her anymore.

The older she got, the less often she would knock, and the more often she would sit and stare at the door for hours into the night. Hoping, praying, that by some miracle the door would open, and her sister would come out and say it was all just a big mistake. That Elsa loved her and wanted her. But inevitably, Anna would lose the staring match with the door; she would sigh and wander back to her own room, holding conversations with the paintings on the way. These sessions with her and the door became almost a meditative ritual, it was the only time her mind and mouth were silent, the only time when the ever-bounding energy was sapped from her limbs.

She wasn't worried when her parents went to visit a neighboring kingdom; it was a normal trip, something that they did fairly regularly. She was supposed to go with them originally, she loved getting out of the palace and meeting new people, but she had woken up that morning with a sore throat and a head that felt like it was the size of a watermelon. A week later she got the news.

She was in the middle of trying to sweet talk her way out of an assignment with one of her tutors. Her version of sweet talking being: talking so fast they can't understand you, therefore not giving them time to assign anything, and tripping on your way out the door. This worked especially well with the etiquette teachers, who were not used to dealing with full-grown princesses that had the restraint and filter of a five year old.

She took in the news like it was a slap in the face; she was frozen for a second, and then ran straight to her spot in the hallway, to be alone with the door. She assumed someone had already been to see the door, seeing as behind it lived the actual heir to the throne. They left her alone with her staring contest for hours, she hadn't even figured out how to cry yet. She heard Gerda in the hallway talking to Tai, "I've never seen her so quiet, poor lass," she said through her own tear stained face. Anna felt a warm hand on her shoulder and motherly arms surrounding her; she then remembered how to cry.

The night after the funeral, for the first time in forever, she knocked on the door. Desperate to interact with what was left of her family. But just like every other time, she was met with cold silence. She slid to the floor with her back against the unforgiving door. She began a new tradition of sobbing against the closed door, one she continued every night for the next several months before she reverted back to her old staring contest.

Anna always knew she was adopted, but it never really mattered until she lost her family all over again.

**A/N: This is super short, but I'm looking to maybe use it a set up for an Elsanna fic. It's a one shot for now, but I have some ideas for making it into a proper story. Let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

Elsa almost broke that night, when she heard her sister crying against the door. And she almost broke every night after that.

The icy blonde had long since forgotten how to cry, forgotten what most emotions felt like. Every once in awhile she'd feel a stab of fear or anxiety, but even those spikes were few and far between. Nothing really penetrated the cloud around her anymore.

She thought maybe she should feel something at the news of her parents, but there was nothing. Maybe a bit of relief, as her last real tie to this world had gone. Maybe now it would be ok, to just stop. There was no one to compel her to keep going anymore, without the outside driving force, what would be the point?

But she...well she almost felt something, when the girl slumped against her door; all she wanted was for the eldest to let her in. But no, as soon as the spark made itself known she silenced it with a string of "conceal, don't feel"

Not feeling hadn't been a problem for years now, but concealing still escaped her. She could feel the storm inside, but it was in a place she could no longer touch. It was shielded from her psyche; she could sense it, but there was no control. The frost that escaped her fingertips was evidence of emotions she could no longer deal with. That first night, she iced over the door, muffling her sisters cries and pacing the remainder of the night, as a storm brewed above her head.

She didn't stop though. Not the next day or the day after. She knew there wasn't a point in going, but she didn't really know how to break the routine. Everyday she would get up, read, train, and study to be the monarch she was destined to be. This had been her life since she was shut up in that room. She got up that morning just like every other, though now her routine was a bit different. Now that her parents were gone she had to step up and use her training. She couldn't make any real binding decisions for the kingdom without the approval of the counsel. At least until she came of age and was crowned Queen, but that didn't stop her from becoming intimately involved in the affairs of the kingdom. She had a knack for it, something she took no pride in, it was merely due to long hours of isolation and boredom. Plus the fact that her father's study was basically the only other room in which she was allowed to be unsupervised.

"Your Majesty? Miss Elsa?"

She was abruptly brought back to the present; it was coronation week, and she was being fitted for the big day.

"Yes, I am sorry for my inattention," her voice apologetic to the seamstress, as she shifted her body in the direction she was told.

She had enjoyed the last three years, as much as she could enjoy anything with the ever-oppressive cloud hanging around her. She found she liked the way no one told her what to do anymore; it was almost like real freedom. Almost. But the years in isolation had left her damaged, she knew that. Despite wandering around the castle for the last three years, doing her duty to her kingdom, she had still managed to avoid ever seeing her sister. Well, more like managed to avoid being seen by the red head. She sensed that seeing the girl might finally make the storm break inside of her. As appealing as that was, she'd grown too comfortable with her nothingness to want to poke at the chaos hiding inside her again.

She remembered the last time she poked at the raging storm inside. It was her sisters sixteenth birthday. There was to be a large party in the castle in celebration. Father had decided to break his one rule about the closed gates, just to make his little girl happy. Elsa found she desperately wanted to attend. She wanted to celebrate the life her younger sister gave to the castle. She knew her parents only source of real happiness came from Anna in those days. She was growing colder within her soul and wanted a piece of joy to hold on to, she just wanted to know she could still feel happiness. But father forbade her from attending, she just knew he was ashamed of her, that he wished that Anna could be the first and maybe only in line for the throne. That was the last nail in her proverbial coffin. After that night of sitting in her room listening to the sounds of merriment in the surrounding halls, she cut off the remaining access to her emotions. With that she cut off any semblance of control of her power. Bursts of magic came and went without her interference, but the less she felt, the less often they came around. _Father would be proud_, she thought bitterly, before she sank again into apathy.

Later that day Elsa found herself in her room with the traditional regalia of being crowned. She went through the ceremony in her head for the fiftieth time that day. The priest would say this and she would respond with this, and so on. Then she would take off her gloves, receive the symbols of Monarchy, be declared Queen, and move on with her life.

As she picked up the scepter a thought struck her, what if her powers manifested in front of the whole crowd? Everyone in attendance would be horrified. They would call her a witch and a sorceress. She could be run out of the kingdom.

"I could be run out of the kingdom." She tasted the words on her tongue and let the idea seep into her mind. "Maybe I'd be caught," she murmured," or even burned at the stake," _I could be done._ She ended the thought in her mind, unwilling to say it out loud.

But no, she willed the ludicrous thoughts away, "Conceal, don't feel. Don't let them in, don't let them know," she repeated over and over again.

The day of the coronation flew by in rush, with Elsa being thrown here and there. Her maidservants frantically trying to help her get ready, while she continually fought off their helpful hands; she was extremely uncomfortable at the prospect of touching other humans, and being touched, she had no trust in her ability to control the power. The young blonde thanked the gods that she didn't have to receive the guests until the reception following the actual coronation. Eventually she just shoed everyone out of the room and grabbed on the chance to clear her head in quiet. It was funny how all those years she hated the isolation, but being faced with people was very disconcerting.

"It's only for today," she said firmly, comforting herself. After today she could go back to concealment and running the kingdom without being a part of it.

Then suddenly, she was in front of the priest. Thank goodness she had gone over the ceremony until she could do it in her sleep, the crowd and bustle of the day were really getting to her, she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep up the façade. _I have to put on a good face, my people must have confidence in me, so I can go back to never seeing them again_. He handed her the scepter and orb, pronouncing her Queen of Arendelle. For a moment, as she stood in front of the audience, she recalled her earlier thoughts. She looked down at her bare hands holding the regalia, she willed frost to come from her fingertips, but to her disappointment nothing happened. _Oh well, looks like I'm going through with this, Arendelle has a new ruler. _She forced a benevolent smile onto her face, this was a terrible idea, what was her father thinking? _He was hoping this would never happen, that's what he was thinking_, one of her inner tormenter said, _he always hoped you would finish the job yourself, before it ever came to this._

Anna loved the hustle and bustle of the day. She couldn't believe that this morning she had actually forgotten it was coronation day! She was currently in front of the mirror, fixing her hair again for the umpteenth time that day. Apparently frolicking around the castle was not conducive to keeping wild hair in a nice and behaved style.

She finally abandoned the fruitless endeavor when she heard a flurry a movement outside her door.

"They're opening the gates Miss Anna!" A young maidservant popped in the door, knowing the princess would be beyond excited at this news.

Anna gasped and flew out of the room, practically hurtling for the gates, she giggled at a fond memory of when she was younger and doing the very same. Her mother would frown and ask why she was in such a hurry. Anna would always answer with, " Because the space between where I was and where I want to be is a waste of my time." Her father would only grin at her and shake his head, announcing it was impossible to argue with that logic.

She slowed down as she exited the castle and whirled around, trying to see all the sights at once. Arrendele was even busier than usual, what with all of the visitors for the coronation. She soaked in the sounds and the colors of the beautiful spring day. Maybe she'll meet a prince! _Oh wait, what if I actually do meet a prince? What if he's THE prince? The one?! We could get married and he would take me away. Or maybe we'll stay here and the gates would be open forever and always! For first the time in forever, I wouldn't have to be alone. _The thoughts swirling around in her head made her shriek with joy, which earned her a few odd looks from the people in the immediate area.

And, BAM, she suddenly knocked off her feet and landed in a boat. _A boat, what? Oh good gods, that guy is looking at me. No wait, his mouth is moving, HE'S TALKING TO ME. _"hmm? Yes, I'm fine, are you fine? Of course you are. Fine I mean. Yes. Fine." She stopped and stared for a second, she thought his mouth was moving again, but she was way too distracted by the way his bangs were trying to escape his slicked back hair.

_Oh my gods, he IS a prince! Oh what's my name…? Anna, yes it's Anna. Now he's bowing, should I curtsy? _Anna had to try hard to remember all the lessons she hadn't paid attention to. _I think it's too late to curtsy now. _Somewhere in the back of her mind she heard bells ringing in the tower, the coronation. _I'm going to be late! I just gotta stare at him another second, look at the way his mouth moves when he smiles! Wait, staring is rude. Aaaaand I'm gonna be late! _

Anna gave Hans a hurried goodbye and dashed back to the castle. She made it to the ceremony just in time to stand witness to her sister. Her sister. She did a double take as she realized that for the first time in years she was standing right next to her sister. She fought the urge to gawk at the form next to her, not wanting to look foolish in front of all these people. Despite wanting to desperately look, Anna also found that for some reason, she wasn't sure she had the courage to actually look her sister in the face. She kept her eyes downcast, or on the priest, or even on the crowd, anywhere but Elsa.

She shouldn't have been worried, because Elsa ran off to god knows where as soon as the ceremony was over.

Anna looked around, checking for Hans, _Maybe I'll see him at the reception tonight, oh wait, there's a reception tonight! I've got to get ready! _She disappeared back to her own room to fix her hair, again. Maybe she could track down some help this time, goodness know she and her mane could certainly use it.

Anna didn't know why, but it never crossed her mind once that her sister would be at the reception. She kicked herself in the head, where else would the newly crowned monarch be? She had to greet the guests and accept all of the congratulations. No matter how logical it seemed in hindsight, Anna was still shocked when she looked out across the room, to meet those ice blue eyes. Time stood still. Hans, who she had originally been looking for, was entirely forgotten; the red head only had eyes for her sister, the most beautiful girl in the room. Somehow she was being escorted to the dais to stand beside the Queen. When her feet refused to start working again, she was practically shoved into her sister by that silly announcer guy, (she really should have paid more attention in classes when they were going over roles and titles). They hadn't broken eye contact until she tripped her way up the stairs. She vaguely heard their names and titles being announced, but she was too busy concentrating on the floor and trying to figure out how to look up again, to really pay attention.

She felt movement beside her, as someone leaned down to her and whispered "Hi."

Had she imagined it? No, there they were, those icy blue eyes again. "Hi…Hi Me?" She saw the eyes nod and Anna's world exploded in happiness.

**A/N: So I've decided to keep going with this story, as such I'm changing the title because the original is a better one-shot title and I want something that better encompasses the whole story. Let me know what you guys think of this chapter! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Frozen **

Elsa felt a spark of, well, of something when she saw the little red head enter the room. She felt her hands frost over as she held them behind her back and she felt all warm inside. _Well that's new_, she thought to herself. It wasn't a painful spark, like all the others she sporadically felt, it was nice and it just begged to be prodded. So when her sister was forced onto the dais along side her, she couldn't help but bend over and whisper a greeting.

"Yes, you." Elsa giggled out in response to Anna's stuttering. "You look beautiful tonight."

_Wait, what the hell happened to conceal don't feel? You are feeling and it needs to stop, _she admonished herself._ Yes, of course_, she squished the sparks of warmth almost angrily, then let the anger fade back into apathy.

"I wish it could be like this all the time." Anna's voice brought her back to the present conversation.

"Well it can't. " She said firmly, knowing that it was only for tonight.

"Why not?"

_Why not_? The question caught Elsa off guard; it had always been like this and it always will be like this. Why should she expect any different. The spark pulsed in the back of her mind, _because you used to be best buddies_… She ignored the voice; she didn't want to deal with the past right now.

"It just can't," was the response she finally gave.

She watched as Anna slunk off, presumably hurt by her sister's staunch indifference. For her part, Elsa was starting to find the whole party exhausting. Keeping up the queenly façade was a lot of work, all she wanted to do was go back up to her father's study and read about anyone's life but hers.

The fake sparkle had faded from her eyes and it was becoming harder and harder to pay attention to the room around her as she retreated further into herself again. The encounter with her sister had raised up feelings she wasn't prepared for, she needed to find an excuse to get out of here as soon as possible. It took everything she had left in her to listen as rotund duke in front of her went on and on about his grandchildren; as such she failed to notice Anna making her way towards her.

_Well at least she looks happier this time. _Then she noticed the reason for the happiness, _wait a second, is that a guy on her arm?_

All her lessons on royal deportment went out the window when she heard the word marriage, and her mouth fell open. _What the hell, it's been like twenty minutes since she left my side. Ok no, this is not happening_, she slipped into her queen persona, _there are dozens of factors to consider. They'd met this night, that's terrible for our reputation. There needs to be courting, and who is this guy anyways? Did she say he was the youngest of the Southern Isles Kingdom? _She went through her list of kingdoms and families that she had memorized for this occasion. She was pretty certain that Hans was at least tenth in line for the throne, but she couldn't remember exactly how many sons that king had._ Anna is worth way more than that, a second or third in line at least. Though I suppose she is adopted, I need to take that into account, the lowest I'd go is a fourth. Plus alliances need to be made! His father should have opened up negotiations._ Her mind raced through these factors very clinically, as if she was reading off a list from a textbook.

She noticed that her thinking had been causing her to be quiet as the couple waited for an answer. _I should have been saying some of these things out loud. _She pulled her scattered mind together and asked Anna if they could speak alone, trying to buy more time, her world was falling apart, she needed to time to get it back together.

"No, whatever you have to say, you can say it to both of us."

Elsa had never heard such a foolish statement, but fine, whatever the childish princess wanted. She grasped at her mask and slipped back into the less frazzled Queen Mode, she drew up in her most regal bearing and said, "You cannot marry a man you just met."

"You can if it's true love!"

"Anna, what do you know about true love?" She hadn't meant for it to come out as condescending as it did. Her signals were getting crossed, she was slipping out of Queen and Loving Sister, to the cynical monster she tried to hide.

"All you know is how to shut people out!"

That gave the ice queen a pause, she was so tired of this, she wanted everything to just go back to the way it was; the emptiness was her safe place, she just needed a moment alone to find it again. She gave some final remark to her sister, unthinkingly, and tried to do just that. Elsa had a pounding headache, all the noise was getting to her, and everything needed to shut down. Now.

"The party is over, close the gates."

Yes, the gates, she needed her safety back, the open gates were a threat, a threat pounded into her head by her father. Anna was calling after her, but she was drawn in to a memory of the past.

She was twelve and starting to shoot up in height, she remembered she'd had a growth spurt recently because earlier that week her father had gifted her with a new pair of gloves. She always hugged her hands in close to her body, a way to comfort herself and protect those around her from her unpredictable power. That day was just like any other, but as she was shuttled carefully from her room to her father's office, she heard some servants chattering in the hallway. They were speculating on how long the gates would remain closed.

"Father, can I ask you a question?" She'd long since stopped calling him papa, their interactions seems far too serious nowadays to get away with something so informal.

"Of course, what is it?"

"I heard some people, servants, wondering about the gates. When do you think you'll open them again?"

She watched her father think about how to respond for a few moments.

"Elsa, you understand why you stay in your room or in here at all times right?"

"Yes, it's so I don't hurt anyone again, because I'm dangerous," this statement seemed to pain her father, but she wasn't sure how else she could have said it.

"Yes, well," the king continued, " the gates are closed for a similar reason."

Young Elsa was horrified for a moment, wondering just how dangerous she must be if even the gates were closed because of her. She never meant to hurt anyone and she tried so hard to learn to control herself.

The king, noticing the distress on his daughters face, quickly continued with, "they are not closed to protect everyone else from you, but to protect you from everyone else. Remember what the troll king said? Your powers frighten other people because they do not understand them. People who are frightened are in a different state of mind; they do things that would seem odd or wrong to them if their minds weren't clouded over with fear. I want to keep you safe, so until you learn to conceal your power the gates will remain closed."

"What did I ever do to you?"

She was brought back to herself and the present by a voice filled with bitterness.

"What?"

"I said, what did I ever do to you?" Anna was angry now, and stalking towards the platinum blonde. "I don't understand what I could have possibly done to deserve this treatment! Why do you shut me out, why do you always shut everything out?!"

"Enough Anna, please." Elsa was getting desperate now. She had to get away, had to find somewhere and calm down. Where was the indifference, the apathy? The storm hiding in her mind was getting bigger and stronger, and it was threatening to break. Flashes of lightening went off in her psyche, warnings of an imminent melt down; this was not going to be pretty.

_Conceal don't feel…conceal don't feel…concealdon'tfeelconcealdon'tfeelconcealdon'tfeel. _The mantra was proving useless as she tried to project an outward calm while she walked away.

"What are you so afraid of?!"

That was it. The Ice Queen shattered.

"ENOUGH" She shouted and ice went everywhere.

_Shit_.


End file.
